The King

Even a wicked beard and mustache cannot keep the King from looking like he is due for an awkward conversation on Dateline with Chris Hansen.

Mike and I squeezed in a trip to ol’ Burger King on a day when we were both in quite a rush. Generally speaking, I have pretty good regard for Burger King, though I definitely prefer Ronald McDonald over that creepy plastic-faced goon from the commercials. Seriously, did they get Eli Roth to create that character for them? Anyway…

My love for ridiculously big sandwiches truly blossomed back when Burger King introduced their Stacker line-up. If you’re not familiar with these heart horrors, when you order a stacker, you can indicate how many burger patties you want by holding up a two, three, or four. These generally delectable burgers come topped with some kind of Thousand Island-ish sauce (which the King calls “Zesty Sauce”), tons of cheese, and bacon. I spent many an office lunch vainly trying to wipe grease-shine off my cheeks after eating these sandwiches, before eventually opting to grow a beard in order to soak it all in.

Furthermore, I really enjoyed how, rather than go the McDonald’s route, backpedaling and trying to pretend like they were an actual healthy alternative, Burger King took things in the other direction, adding the aforementioned Stackers, as well as the Meat’Normous Omelette Sandwich to their menu. Take that, nanny-state liberals! They should take that attitude to their fries, too, and fry them in lard (take that, vegetarians, Hindus, and people who want to enjoy long lifespans!)… Then the fries might actually taste good.

Triple Stacker 2So Mike and I got Burger King, and my Stack was, mainly, wack. I was real pumped, too. It had been a long time since I had coated my face in that slightly off-clear mirror sheen, and I was thinking it’d be awesome. I think I erred by ordering a triple Stacker… I mean, I was there, why didn’t I just go whole-hog (or cow) and get the Quad stacker? I even *salted* the damn thing. Seriously. I used *salt* at a fast food restaurant. This should not be feasible without risking death. There was way too little sauce, cheese, and bacon, and way too much completely flavorless ground beef. Even Burger King’s ever-present liquid smoke was absent. What gives!?

Fortunately, my meal at Burger King was saved because of this new promotional sandwich they’re running, called the Carolina BBQ Tendercrisp Sandwich. Now, I figured adding BBQ, bacon, and pepperjack to a fried piece of chicken on a sandwich was something a megachampion could get down on. And it was. Too bad this isn’t called the Chicken Sandwich Quest.

Tendercrisp Chicken Sandwich

‘Tis a sad Burger Quest when chicken saves the day…

Burger: 4/10
Service: N/A

TL/DR: Burger King’s burger was sad and uninspired. In the future, I would get a Whopper or, even better, go to Wendy’s.

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